It’s that time of year again when everyone runs around telling any woman who looks like she might be of child bearing age “happy mother’s day.” And, while I appreciate the sentiment, let it be known right effin now that I am not a mother.

I know, I know – I have hips that are perfect for carrying and delivering children. But trust me, I ain’t in the bidness of birthin’ no babies! That’s far too much work, and I am far too selfish to join the motherhood sorority right now. I like sleep. I crave quiet time. I enjoy loud, raucous sex at any given hour in the room of my choosing. Babies don’t fit that plan.

Please don’t misunderstand me – I love kids. I just love other peoples‘ kids. I love that I can talk to them like their moms can’t. I love that I can be the “fun” grown-up. I love that I can be silly and goofy and ridiculous around a child and not have to worry about blurring the parent-child lines.

I admire women who can be mom, wife, provider, shopper, personal assistant, and anything else her family can need. It amazes me to watch these women as they morph so easily from one role to the next. But I just can’t do that. I can barely manage me right now. Most days I do well to feed, dress and transport myself at the appropriate times.

Perhaps one day my internal alarm bells will start chiming and letting me know it’s time to start procreating. Until then, though, I’m content just to practice the baby making process.

After all, I need to perfect my technique so I can make perfect offspring, right?

Anyone wanna come help me practice?

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On a more serious note, I do want to encourage everyone out there to thank your mom today. Whether you have a perfect “Martha Stewart” mom, or one a little more off-beat, let her know how much she means to you. And if you aren’t fortunate enough to be able to tell your own mom you love her, let another mom know you appreciate the good job she’s doing. This world needs more good mothers in it…