Things are getting a little more “in hand” these days, but I still feel as though I am spinning out of control more often than not….

(Can you tell I like playing with the camera these days? LOL)

Recently AP and I have had a discussion about me finalizing my divorce and making a clean break from the ex. I know AP is right. I do need to do this. I must get away from a situation that has been toxic to my life for quite some time. I have to let go. 

It’s just so hard.

There are a million reasons why I can’t seem to walk away. I won’t bore you with them here, but let’s just say they all boil down to fear. And most of that fear is fear of the unknown.

AP tells me that he is trying to understand. I want to believe this. I want AP to understand. I need AP to realize that my fears and insecurities regarding this mess have nothing to do with him. They have everything to do with me. 

My problem is that I feel that AP sees me as weak now. I am scared that he views me as some fragile little object that won’t stand up for herself and can’t make a decision. In my heart, I don’t think this is true. In my heart I know I am strong. I have been through so much in my life, and I have always come through it a better, stronger person.

I just wish I could get AP to realize that the rest of the world doesn’t happen on his schedule, that other people decide things in different manners than he does. I am not weak. I am not a pushover. If anything, I feel that sticking to my beliefs (to not hurt someone I once cared about no matter how much he hurt me) and doing what I need to do (in my own time, so as to make certain I did it the way I am comfortable with) are a sign of strength. It would be so easy to just listen to someone else tell me when to do what they think I should be doing. But that isn’t how I work.

I want AP to see this side of things. I want AP to look at me and see the strong, happy woman he met years ago. I am still under here. I am just trying to make sure that when this is all said and done that there is no more fear, no more worry. I want to know that when I look at AP and say “It’s over” I can truly, in my heart of hearts, mean it. 

He deserves nothing less.

Okay, maybe that’s a little over-dramatic, but my neck is killing me. I stretched yesterday and I could feel it “lock up,” but I thought it would get better once I slept. 

WRONG.

It’s about a hundred times worse. 

Anyone have any home remedies or magical secrets that will make it “unkink”? 

Please… share!

My life is so out of focus lately. Things are racing past so quickly I can’t seem to focus on anything at all. I need to just reach out and grab something to hold onto. I need an anchor, something that will stop this spinning. I need to find my way out of this shitstorm I have created. 

I can’t seem to hold onto anything though. Everything is slipping through my fingers. I’m losing everything that is so precious to me.

At least I held onto the camera long enough, right?

Now go say hello to Os for me!

Yesterday AP and I went to a cookout at a friend’s house. We showed up late as usual, and the party was just getting into full swing. There were quite a few people there when we arrived, and AP and I knew about half of them. The party was during daylight hours (which is highly unusual for our group), but other than that it was “business as usual”. 

As soon as we got to the party, AP and I went our seperate ways. This is our standard operating procedure. A sort of social “divide and conquer” strategy. I usually end up meeting all the new people, while AP takes care of saying our hellos to the “usuals”. In the past, this has always worked well. 

AP isn’t much of a socializer. He tends to be withdrawn, and he generally only meets new people when I introduce them (or they introduce themselves, should they be so gregarious). I am okay with this, as I tend to be the exact opposite. I like to meet new people, and, as a matter of fact, I am almost always driven to learn at least one little something about each person at any gathering. I don’t usually mind that AP isn’t like me. We tend to balance each other well, in my opinion.

But yesterday, for some reason, I was bothered. Perhaps AP was a little more withdrawn than usual, or maybe I was a little more overwhelmed with my  duties, as there were more “new” people present than normal. Whatever the reason, though, I was miffed that AP spent the vast majority of the day “hiding”. On numerous occasions I tried to talk to him, or include him in conversations the “mini-groups” were having. But AP stubbornly refused to be drawn in. In fact, he spent 99% of his time sitting in a corner, away from everyone else, playing with his phone. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my phone, too. We have the same phones, and I am more than willing to admit they can do some awfully cool things. But it was a damn party! Who the hell checks the weather on his phone while he is standing outside?!?!? On top of the using the phone as a hiding spot, AP also used it to ignore me. Mind you, I can deal with him not wanting to meet new people, but ignoring me?!? THAT is an entire other issue. 

This isn’t the first time it’s happened either. I know this. AP knows this. Everyone that we know knows this. You would think I would be used to it by now. But I am not. I am as far from “used to it” as one can get. To be honest, it gets more and more annoying each time it happens. So it is no wonder that yesterday, seeing him tapping away at his touch screen, “uh huh-ing” me every time I tried to talk to him, I was almost overcome with the urge to slap it out of his hand and scream “LOOK AT ME DAMMIT!”

But, being the ever-so-polite southern girl I was raised to be, I did no such thing. What I did do was wait until we left the party to mention it. (See? I’m not that bad… LOL) I simply told AP that I was tired of feeling ignored. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that I can’t stand to feel like I come second to a piece of electronic gadgetry. 

After the “WTF?” wore off, AP conceded that I am probably right. Perhaps he does like his gadgets a little too much. Perhaps he does use them as social security blankets. He even apologized for being rude. But I worry that the damage is done. This is the exact reason I left my last relationship. I got tired of feeling like I came in second to something else. Sure, last time the “something else” was beer and cocaine, but really, isn’t this the same thing? An addiction is an addiction, right?

Or am I being too silly?

Will there always be something in every man’s life that matters more to him than people?

Are women the only creatures that value friends over things?

Is it just me?

Please… tell me it isn’t just me…

***EDIT: Apparently I have no idea what date it is. I set this to “auto post” on Thursday, but evidently I set it for next Thursday. Sorry about that.***

Well, here you go… I hope this gets me back in the good graces (at least a little).

I know it isn’t the best or most risque’ offering, but at least I’m showing you my good side, right?

Yep.

That’s where I’ve been.

It really isn’t personal. I promise.

I just needed a break. I needed some time to clear my thoughts and make sure I have all my priorities in order.

Now, mind you, I know that gambling is on that list. But trust me, it isn’t really a top priority. I just find that mindlessly pushing the buttons on a video poker machine seems to be an awesome way to clear my mind. I can just sit there, losing (and sometimes winning LOL) money, and think about whatever I want. I can find my zen in the incessant beep, beep, beep of the machine. I love it.

In the past two weeks I have read about 5 books (I say about because I am almost done with the fifth one), gambled to my heart’s content, and checked the web less than once a day. I feel fantastic.

But the bad part is that I miss you guys. 

I want to make it up to you.

So here is what I propose:

Having missed the last two (maybe even three) HNTs, I feel that you guys should get to decide on what I should do for the next one. I am open to suggestions, and I will give them all serious consideration. The only thing I will not do is pose with another person.

So, there you have it… help me make my absence up to you…

Please?

Hey everyone!

I’m sorry I have been gone for so long. I truly didn’t intend to just abandon you like that. Nothing is wrong really; I just had some things I needed to deal with on the home front. I am healthy and happy and I will be getting back to regular posting as soon as I can.

Long story short, my mom wasn’t doing well. She’s okay now, and it honestly could have been a much bigger deal than it actually was. It’s just that she is my best friend in the world, and it’s always just been me and her. Essentially, we are all the other has in times of crisis. (No offense intended to my friends. I hope you guys know what I meant by that.) Anyway, when she tells me she needs me everything else gets put aside until she feels independently functional again. 

I miss you all, and I promise I will be back around to your pages very, very soon.

Please forgive me, and I can’t wait to hear how great you all are!

Much, much love…

-NJ-