The last two days have been really rough for me. Wait – let me rephrase that – the last two YEARS have been really rough for me. Yeah, that’s far closer to the truth. It’s just been in the last two days that I have thought about throwing up my hands and saying “Fuck it.”
I’m not usually the type of person to get to that point. I can’t say I haven’t been here before, because that would be a lie, but the times I have been here have been few and far between. I think that (for the moment at least) the bad little voices in my head are starting to quiet down. I can’t be sure, but they certainly aren’t yelling and clamoring for attention like they were just yesterday.
I’m pretty sure I should go talk to someone. I know I suffer from depression, and I may even have a touch of mania at times. I simply can’t bear the thought of being on medication. I know meds work for a lot of people. I have many friends who get by just fine on them. But I have been on them before, and frankly I would rather be like this than deal with the side effects. The side effects were far more likely to make me put a gun to my head than the voice ever have been.
But I digress…
This post wasn’t supposed to be about my emo-ness. Sorry about that.
This post was supposed to be about secrets and lies. And so it shall be…
When I get in one of my “super funks” I tend to dissociate myself from everyone around me. I want the entire world to leave me alone. This usually isn’t that hard to accomplish. Most of the world leaves me alone anyway, regardless of what mood I am in. But my friend (let’s call him “AP” for “Almost Perfect” LOL) has this way of not letting up on me until I talk about what’s bothering me. The problem is that a lot of my problem stems from issues I have with AP.
I know, I just called him “Almost Perfect,” so what issues can possibly be that huge, right? Well, it’s really just ONE issue, but it’s a pretty heavy duty one (at least IMO). You see, I don’t really trust AP. I don’t mean that I don’t trust him not to cheat. And I don’t mean that I don’t trust him not to hurt me (intentionally). That isn’t it at all. I don’t trust him with my secrets.
AP is the kind of guy that must have attention to exist. He must feel wanted and needed. He must feel like other women find him desirable. He can not be satisfied with the attention and affection of just one. And don’t get me wrong, I kind of understand. I need attention and affection. I need to feel desirable. I need to be wanted and needed. The only difference is that I only need to feel that one person feels that way about me. AP isn’t like that.
No matter what I do, or what I say, a part of me knows that it isn’t enough. Part of me knows that he will always have to have his secrets; he will always have to have his “something hidden” to make him feel validated. And I have absolutely NO clue how to deal with this.
I have tried to talk to him about it, but all he says is “Either you trust me or you don’t. And I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me.” (This is a maddening statement by the way.)I have tried to explain to him what I mean, but all he will hear is that I don’t believe in him, that I don’t have 100% blind faith in him. How do you argue with that? How do I make him see that blind faith is not realistic – that trust is a two-way street?
The way I see it is this:
If you want me to trust you then you must prove yourself trustworthy. I am more than willing to give at least 80% trust right off the bat (until something happens to warrant a reevaluation of that). But the other 20% comes with time and experience. Also, trust is a fragile thing. If AP (or anyone else) does something to weaken that trust then for quite some time I feel I have to right to remain guarded. He does not see it this way.
Now here is the most current issue – AP has this friend that he has “acted stupidly” about in the past (let’s leave it at that). When the stupidity occurred I found out and confronted him about it. His initial reaction was to lie. I pressed the issue and eventually he ‘fessed up and we argued and things were bad for a while between us. But I love AP. Like I said, he’s almost perfect. Because I love AP I have tried very hard to get past this silly indiscretion and let it go. I was doing very well. Really I was.
But now this week has ruined all that. I got in one of my superfunks and AP tried to talk me down and I reacted like a crazy bitch. I can admit that. But what does AP do? He tells all my damn friends. ALL of them. THEN he lies about telling them. Now, I am NOT a stupid woman. And our circle of friends is not that big. People talk – both to me and to each other. What AP said to one person eventually gets told to another and another and another – which eventually makes it way back to me.
Now, let me set the record straight. First of all, NO, I did NOT want AP to tell anyone what was going on with me. But that’s ok. I understand that I was scaring AP and that he needed to talk to someone and make sure that he was doing/saying the right thing at the right time. That’s ok. I can get over him talking to our other friends. I can even get over who he talked to. What I can NOT get over is the fact that even after I point-blank asked AP who he told, he lied. He listed persons A through F, but denied persons G through Z (one of which was the aforementioned “friend”).
This is why I am so bothered right now. Why did AP feel the need to lie to me? Not only did AP lie about this, but, in the course of a conversation I had today with a mutual friend of ours, I learned something that now gives me reason to believe AP has been lying the entire time about his “friend.” I still don’t think there is anything “going on” with this friend of his – that’s not the issue. The issue is that AP feels the need to “hide” this friendship from me. Yes, I know that AP has made me very upset about this friend in the past, but he told me that nothing is going on and I love him, so I believe him. At least I want to believe him. But when he tells me “I haven’t talked to XXXXX in weeks” and I hear from another, very reliable source that they are in relatively frequent contact, what am I supposed to think?
I would like to be friend with AP’s friend. She is a cool girl who is tightly woven into our social circle, and she has never been anything but straight up with me about anything I have ever asked her. Honestly, I think we could be good friends if given the chance. But how am I supposed to be friends with XXXXX if AP continues to lie about his friendship with her? If nothing is going on, if AP’s intentions are true, why must he fabricate lies about her? Why does he deny that he talks to her if he is truly just interested in her friendship?
Does AP believe that I am lying to him? I have expressly told him in the past that I can deal with anything – as long as it is true. If AP does think I am lying about this, why does he waste his time with me? I certainly don’t want to be with someone I think lies – why would he? Or does AP just need to have this one “hidden” thing to hold onto in the event of an emotional emergency? Is XXXXX his self-esteem security blanket? If so, what is it that I am not providing that causes AP to need this?
I am genuinely lost on this one folks. I have NO idea what to say or do anymore. Any advice?
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By the way – AP, I know you are reading this. Please don’t be upset. If I felt I could get you to understand this I would have said this to you by now. But I am tired of fighting and I don’t want to do any more damage than has already been done. I love you AP… I hope you know that. Now comment, boy! <3
